Before we begin, I’ve emerged from surgery recovery and am ready to lock in. I’m offering quick tarot reading recordings at a special price for Labor Day! Hear my dulcet tones tickle your eardrums in these personalized readings.

Now, onto buttholes.

Imagine the moment human embryos start to form, as the tiniest cluster of cells. Those cells divide. They divide again. Things form. Along the way, small organs and body parts form, too. 

What would you suppose to be the very first body part to establish? Our nervous system? Our brain? Something also pretty important, such as our stomach or liver?

None of that. The very first thing that forms is our anus.

It’s true! Oh my stars, it’s true. At some point, the cluster of cells we begin as becomes a hollow ball of cells, and that hollow-ness turns into a cavity that becomes the cavity.

The term for it is exciting: the “blastopore” (which sounds like the aim of every apricot scrub of the ’90s). It’s also called the “blastophere” (which sounds like Vegas’s hottest new nightclub). 

The fun facts continue. Complex animals are divided into two major evolutionary groups: the ones where this hollow cavity becomes the anus (a group called “deuterostomes,” which includes vertebrates like humans), and the ones where the cavity becomes a mouth (a group called “protostomes,” which includes insects and mollusks). In the first group — the human anus group — the mouth is the second opening to form; in the latter, the opposite. At one point, we are all elongated holes. Primitive tubes. We are humble, gaping macaroni beings of digestive potential and nothing else.

I simply can’t stop thinking about this. I interrupted quite a rosy moment at a recent dinner party, as burnt Basque cheesecake emerged, to inform the host of this fact, apropos of nothing. I ruminate on what it means, philosophically speaking, that at one point we were just an asshole. (Many people don’t even progress beyond that stage!)

I wonder in grocery aisles, at the gym, whilst washing fruits, what meaning is made in how our anus forms before our mouth — the thing our egos probably deem more central to our humanity. The mouth enables nourishing, communicating, and exploring our world. Yet it is second fiddle to the important ancient butthole.

I ponder why it’s more important to first create an exit (for the most part) than an entrance. I noodle on, in the night-soaked landscape of my home at 2 a.m., how society has labeled the anus taboo even though biology prioritizes it.

I cogitate on how my butthole is technically the oldest, most archaic part of my material form. 

I realize, over and over, that my own anus is my queer elder. (So is yours.)

The blastopore does more than just be the first to exist; it organizes the embryo, signaling the beginning tube-like structure around which the life form can organize itself. It is the jumping-off point for organs to form. It’s almost an “ah-ha!” moment for the body called gastrulation. According to this Springer Nature breakdown, “Gastrulation is therefore the very first event that sets the basic architecture of an animal. Every organism undergoes this process, and in many cases, the movement of these cells inside the embryo opens up a transient hole...”

Besides taking a moment to honor and acknowledge the term transient hole, we must also consider that an anus is so important while also so taboo. (Yet more articles of late explore that that’s lessening.) There’s plenty of evidence that shows that the anus was used for way more than an exit throughout humanity’s long history. To exist meant to have an anus, and celebrate it.

We haven’t covered Aces in this newsletter yet. They are, essentially, “one,” the first cards in each suit. They are the beginning. The establishment. The portal. In the illustrations by Pamela Colman Smith they seem to appear out of thin air, protruding like a magical emergence.

Pentacles align with the material world: things we can touch and smell and sense, like the earth and material resources. That’s why pentacles are often correlated with money. But it’s much deeper: it’s what it means to be planted in this incarnation on earth, to live in our bodies, interact with material things, and seek physical security.

So Ace of Pentacles is the beginning of a stable new journey in the material world. The signal of solid, fresh new potential in our reality. An establishment that other tangible things can build upon. It can indicate something like a new job opportunity, a new home, or a new resource. Or a shiny new butt. 

This all reminds me of yet another insight I had during a psychic communication course. One of the first steps was grounding into our root chakra. The “root,” as it was clinically defined for me, was a space “just in front of and a few inches below your tailbone.” I beg your finest pardon. Hold on while I get my tape measure.

What they really should have said was “ground into your anus and perineum” because that’s actually where their instruction got me. I don’t know about you, but I don’t have a good grasp on where the hell my tailbone is or ends. But I sure know where my anus is, because I am alive. Surely the reason they didn’t say that was because that’s a little hehe haha. 

But it’s useful! I unlocked better channeling when I actually — and I can’t believe I’m publishing this, but here we are — positioned my rear end more openly (cheeks akimbo, if you will) so my root could firmly contact the surface beneath.

It worked! Try it yourself! Open your hams and commune with the dead! Follow me for more lifestyle tips.

If more people just grew up and talked about butts, I would have locked in much sooner. Maybe now you — the new bearer of these many anal facts — will too.

Reply and tell me something about your butt.

Thanks for reading,
Cristina

PS: Special thanks to biological science queen Caitlyn for inspiring this research while she took care of me while I was ill and told me about deuterostomes.

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